Sunday, December 20, 2009

Chapter ten

December 15, 2009

As the New Year approaches I’m forcing myself to reflect on the past year - as cheesy as that may be. Many aspects of my life and my being have changed since last January. For starters, I graduated from college thus concluding my educational endeavors. That alone is huge! It’s a big deal because it signifies the end of nearly everything I was accustomed to during the past 16 years. I now start a new chapter in my life.

I’ve become more independent since last year. Moving away from the only city you’ve ever really known will do that to a person. With most of my friends several states away, I am forced to go places and do things by myself, which if you recall I never ever did in high school and college. I would rather stay in than go to a show, concert, etc by myself. Now, it’s become no big deal to venture out on my own – exploring a new, unfamiliar city. I also live alone – it wasn’t the original plan but life likes to throw me curve balls every now and than. By living on my own, I have really stepped up began to take pretty good care of myself: I do all of the cleaning, cooking, errand shopping, etc. and I must say, I can be pretty darn domestic now!

I’ve become more selfish in attaining my desires. By this I mean I often think about what it is that makes me happy and what I need to feel fulfilled in life, dance and beyond. Once I’ve determined these things I won’t settle for anything less. I am talented and have a lot to offer so why would I settle for anything but the very best? Yes, compromises have been made and will no doubt continue to be made, but in the grand scheme of things I want what I want and I will stop at nothing to attain those things.

I’ve also become a bit more secretive. It’s not that I have many secrets. Instead it means I no longer feel that all of the intimate details of my life need to be shared with everyone. What I do in my personal life, friend and love life, is my business and I simply don’t feel like I need to share those details with even some of my closest friends and family. Sure, I’ll spill a few things with a certain handful of people but for the most part I’ve learned to not share everything. It’s healthy to distinguish those things, I think.

We shall see what 2010 brings as the year unfolds. I hope to graduate from intern to apprentice with TDC…or find another comparable outlet for my dancing and financial needs if TDC doesn’t pan out the way I hope it will. I also hope to make Chicago my home instead of the place where I temporarily live. But mostly I hope to feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Chapter nine

November 15, 2009

How can so much change happen in two weeks? I really don’t have an answer for that but I’m eternally grateful for all of the new and exciting changes in my life.

I have successfully completed my first Chicago/post-college performance (with Thodos, duh). The show went very well and consequently I am even more excited to perform with “Team Thodos” on the 28 at the Harris Theater. That stage is {insert expletive} huge! It may be larger than the Northrop’s stage…eek! For those of you who have danced with me, you know this girl loves to travel and move big! Needless to say I’m very, very excited to dance across that stage.

These next two weeks mark the final weeks of the Fall/Winter portion of my internship. While I love dancing everyday, I’m in serious need of a break. My body aches all the time and my feet are beginning to rebel. I also am feeling the need to take a Toni Pierce-Sands class (unfortunately, the U’s semester will be over by the time I come home). Boo-erns!

I’m extremely excited to spend time vegging at home, too. I can’t wait to see my SLP and U of M friends again as well as a certain special person. Some people would rather spend their month-long break somewhere warm, but I just want to be home. Although, if home was somewhere warm I think I would prefer going there than visiting the tundra of MN haha.

I guess that’s it for now. I wish I had photos from the dance show to post but my camera decided to hate me and run out of batteries when I got to the theater. I promise to charge the battery before the Harris show.

Sunday, November 1, 2009

Chapter eight

November 1, 2009

Today marks the beginning of the fourth month of my time in Chicago. It’s very strange how times flies. So much has changed since August. Well, maybe not *so* much has changed, but it feels much different now. I have friends who I feel very close to; I’m pretty comfortable dancing with the company now (even though there are times that I still question myself and my skills); I’m becoming more and more familiar with the neighborhoods and general feel of Chicago, yet I’m consistently surprised by how BIG the city is.

It’s pretty cool to get to know a whole new city…although I wish I were able to take advantage of the city’s music/nightlife scene more…I blame it on the fact that it takes forever to get anywhere/get back and on the fact that I refuse to walk around late at night in my neighborhood by myself.

I showed my apartment to some people last week but I am not sure if they still want to sublet it. I haven’t heard from them in half a week so…it makes me think that they’re looking elsewhere for lodging. Boo-erns I say! I had looked at some cute studios and I was really hoping to move into one of them soon. What I want most is to move before it snows here, which could be at any time now. Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t snowed yet with all of the white fluffy stuff MN has been receiving.

You know how sometimes you can feel a big storm coming on? I feel that way right now, only it’s a storm of stress and emotions. Thodos’ first show is in two weeks (Centre East on the 13th and the Harris Theater on the 28th) and this week is our last week of rehearsals before tech. The long nights, the high levels of anxiety and stress…it’s almost tangible and it’s only Sunday. I’m hoping no one lets their emotions get the best of them; I’m hoping everyone remains collected, because it could get real nasty if we’re all frustrated with one another. Not that I think this will actually happen but there is always a possibility of it when we’re spending all day and all night together trying to perfect every little detail. Ah the life of a performer – always striving for perfection when perfection is in fact a myth.

My parents just booked my tickets home for December. I will be coming home on the 16th and will leave the morning of the 28th. If you read between the lines you’ll hear me saying, “Hey MPLS kids, let’s hang out while I’m home because I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit next!”

I guess that’s it for now. I apologize that I haven’t been writing as often as I originally promised. Some how time gets away from me and I become unmotivated to post entries. I will try to be better about this. Until then, keep warm!

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

Chapter seven

October 13, 2009

It’s been far too long since I wrote last. I kept meaning to but life, it seemed, got in the way of things – or rather doing absolutely nothing got in the way.

Life in Chicago is going really well. I feel more comfortable in my surroundings, I know the general layout of the city (which is a feat because it’s HUGE!), and I’m meeting new people and trying new things. Dance of course takes up most of my time and is a never-ending source of frustration and joy. Even though I’ve had a similarly busy dance schedule while in school as I have now, I don’t think I’ve experienced this kind of intense self-inflicted pressure. Making sure you’re “getting better” with each class, with each rehearsal. Pushing yourself because you know you can and will be mad if you don’t give it 110%. It’s physically and emotionally draining at times, to say the least.

Rehearsals are going well for the most part. I feel so privileged to be dancing in two pieces and covering for another. As an intern you rarely get to perform. On November 13 TDC will perform in Skokie and the 28 we will have our debut at the Harris Theater. I honestly can’t believe I’m going to be experiencing that. It’s such an honor.

Aside from dance, not too much is going on in my life. The job search is still in full swing, although I will admit that I give up every now and then. But I am hopeful that something will work out for me. It has to, right?

The most exciting thing to happen to me thus far is buying a DSLR. For those of you who know me well, you will know how excited this makes me. I’ve wanted one since 12th grade. Someone was selling a Canon Rebel XT on the Facebook Marketplace for a price I really could not pass up. I’ve taken a few shots with it and they turned out nicely. It feels so good to be in control of a camera again (as opposed to using an fully automatic point-and-shoot)! I’m looking forward to playing with it more. I’ve posted a few of the photos I’ve taken on my Facebook page.

What else? What else?

I’m 80% certain I will be moving to a new apartment in November. To make a long story short, Erinn moved back to Minneapolis and we’re putting our apartment back on the market. I’m hoping to find a cute, reasonably priced studio further south and closer to A) the dance studio and B) my friends. It sucks living out in the boonies.

I guess that’s about it. Hope everything at home is going well (and that the snow hasn’t inconvenienced anyone too much yet). It’s getting pretty chilly here, too, but no snow as of yet.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Chapter six

September 17, 2009

Sometimes we have bad days and want to eat our feelings. I had one of these days today and my poison of choice: Oreo McFlurry. Living close to a McDonalds is hazardous to my diet when I find myself in a foul mood.

Today was really terrible and I felt it the moment I stepped into the studio…I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’ve been off all week in class, which always is a little upsetting but not the end of the world. Today, however, I had rehearsal for the first time after learning a new dance (in three days) and being off contract/dance for a week. Let’s just say I think my dance partner was a little frustrated with me.

Sometimes I feel that I’ve forgotten how to partner. But then I tell myself that this kind of partnering is very technical which is very new to me. I’ve only ever thrown myself at my partner ala BLM and S&S where technique is less focused on than figuring out how to complete the stunt without killing yourself or your partner. I miss that. It also doesn’t help that I’m partnering with senior company members who are at least 6’ tall. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t known them for years – as I have known my U of M partners – so thus I feel as if I can’t negotiate the partnership. I hope some of this makes sense.

Having these feelings makes me question why I’ve been cast in two pieces and chosen to cover another piece for Thodos’ Fall Concert in November. I really don’t understand. I do not want to let the company down but I really don’t have the confidence in my ability right now.

Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choice in pursuing a performing career here. Yes I know I’m talented and there are many opportunities in Chicago, but I’m not convinced that the style I’ve been exposed to here is what I want to do. I’m not sure if fulfilling enough for me. Granted, I haven’t seen much of the other companies in Chicago yet. I just hope to find my place because I will be in Chicago for a while...because, frankly, there aren’t any performing jobs for me in MPLS…yet?

It’s been a while since my last post. I figured no one wanted an update last week because I was in MPLS. So I apologize for the doom and gloom vibe of this post. TGIF! Hopefully Monday will be the start of a more successful week both physically and mentally for me.

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

This just in

Tra la la! I was just cast in a piece for Thodos today. La la la this means I will be performing with them in November! Yay!

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Chapter five

August 30, 2009

Latest job news: I quit and am looking for something else. It’s hard but that wasn’t unexpected. It’s just annoying. I have an interview tomorrow at a restaurant called Leona’s but when I called to set it up, the manager seemed to have forgotten that he called me Friday. So I’m not banking on this one which kind of sucks because it’s pretty close to my apartment.

I’ve been off this whole week from dance and have been LAZY! I didn’t take class anywhere else – which I probably should have just to experience other places – because I really just wanted to give my body time to recover from the shock of dancing every day. By the end of last week my knees were really hurting and I thought it best to not push it since I have a good 7 months left of my internship (and a whole career ahead of me).

Our schedule is a little weird right now. We had last week off, are back this week Monday-Friday (I’ll be dancing this week in class and rehearsal, that’s right!!), and then we’ll be off again for another week. I decided to take this upcoming opportunity to come home and spend some time with friends and family. If you want to hang out give me a call! State Fair; Girl’s Night; ADT at the Southern; anything else? With school starting up next week I’m hoping that there will be a couple house parties, too.

I guess that’s about it for updates. Things will hopefully get more interesting once dance starts up again and I’m actually in rehearsals/doing work for TDC (Thodos Dance Chicago, for you novices haha). Erinn will be moving in after Labor Day so hopefully that means life will become a bit livelier.

Oh! I made my first meatloaf today and it didn’t suck! I’m so proud of myself!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

Chapter four

August 23, 2009

I hate my job. Well, I guess most people do...however I really, really don’t want to go back tomorrow. It is not fulfilling in any way, shape, or form. All I do for 4 hours is call past patrons “hoping” they answer the phone and let me finish my sales pitch. Sure, it’s for a cause I believe in (getting people to attend dance and music) it’s just not stimulating. I do not like sales. If I did I would have gone to business school or something. I want to help make decisions, or write, or assist in something...rather than sit on my ass asking people for money for $8 an hour.

I’m also finding that I just don’t want to work. I now understand the appeal of marrying rich and being a housewife. Don’t misunderstand; I want to make a career for myself. I just…don’t want to do something I find boring…and it just so happens that I find most things in Corporate America boring. Ok, so I’m having post-college, post-move crisis; don’t judge.

With the school season a week or two away I’m feeling very strange. Like I’m missing out on something. I’m not adjusting well. I’m not adjusting to living in a new city or living in a place without many friends. I want to come back home where I don’t feel like a social outcast and where I feel I belonged in all aspects of life. I’m not good at starting over; that has become very clear this month. And I’m very susceptible to self-pitying…and laziness haha.

Sunday, August 16, 2009

Chapter three

[Since the weather can’t decide whether it wants to storm or not, I figured now would be the perfect time to finish my blog post.]

August 15, 2009 – Happy birthday sister!

And so ends my second full week in the windy city. It’s slowly starting to feel more comfortable here (except for the incredible heat wave that decided to arrive the same time I did…oh, and my AC isn’t working…splendid).

I met some really cool girls who were taking the TDC intensive this week thanks to Jessica Ehlert. It’s nice to meet other dancers who have been in the city for a while – they went to school at Columbia College which, by the way, has a 5 year BFA track instead of the U of M’s 4…I found that interesting. One of the girls I met has started her very own “pick-up” company that has had a few fundraising shows already. I plan on checking it out and maybe even getting involved in it. It’s funny how grabbing a bite to eat can end in a meeting a potential colleague or (hopefully) friendship.

In other news, I got the job at the Harris Theater and I started working last Wednesday. It’s tougher than I originally thought it would be; selling, that is. Instead of people coming to the box office and buying tickets – which is what we did at the Southern – we are calling patrons who have been to the theater before and selling them our pitch in hopes that they agree to buy tickets through us. I don’t get paid much but we do have a small commission. However, the thing with the commission is we only start making commission once we sell $400 worth of stuff (tickets or donations). With what the other newbies and I are working on, it is hard to make commission. I only made one sale last week for $75 (but that is the equivalent of selling 3 subscriptions of what I’m working on). Normally, a single ticket would cost that much…making it much easier to make commission. The other factor is actually making contact with people on the phone. For every person I talk to I probably called about 20 numbers. Hopefully it will get better and easier with time. Let’s just say I think I will continue my job search just in case.

Tomorrow starts week three with TDC and my third week in Chicago (what’s more, I think I can make it to the weekend without doing laundry…saving money, yeah!). I will be working in the office Monday and Tuesday answering phones and taking messages because the Managing Director will be on vacation…in HI. JEALOUS! Because I will be working in the office right after class, my days Monday and Tuesday will be VERY long – I will leave the house at 8:15 a.m. and get back a little after 10 p.m. and one of those days will be even later because I will be getting together with my uncle Geoff after work since he’s coming in to town for work. I’m not complaining about getting together with him by any means, I just wish I could go home and drop my dance stuff off and take a shower at some point. The list of a busy dancer!

Thanks to Naomi’s assistance I have put up most of my photos in my room. It now looks almost homey. Almost. There are still a few things I need to hang on the walls and I may need to get a rack for my DVDs but other than those two things I think my room is pretty much done.

I guess that’s about it. Yay for fresh cookies!

Saturday, August 8, 2009

Chapter two

Saturday, August 8, 2009

It’s the weekend and I have officially been in Chicago for a week. I still miss Minneapolis and everyone there but I’m feeling more confident here.

The week has been surprisingly uneventful. All I did was attend class and then either went back to my place or went to hang out with Naomi (who also moved here from St. Louis Park). One afternoon after class I went to Evanston and ran into Scott – a very pleasant surprise. There is a sweet thrift shop in downtown Evanston called Crossroads Trading Co. It reminds me of Everyday People only some of the items are new. They buy, sell and trade clothes/shoes/hand bags and if you choose to use a recycled bag the company donates 5 cents to charity. Pretty sweet, huh?

The people at Thodos are pretty cool. I still don’t really know them but I have a feeling this will change quickly. One even lives across the street from me…talk about random! The other interns and I have orientation Wednesday so for now, all I have done is take class with the company.

Today I went to The Dance Colective audition. I made it all the way through but just got an e-mail which said, “Unfortunately, I am writing to let you know that while we did enjoy your dancing that I am not inviting you to our callbacks!” I’m actually happy with this outcome because had I been offered the job I would have had to turn it down. You see, The Dance Colective does not pay their dancers for rehearsals, only for performances (and it does not seem like they perform too often). Since the company rehearses in the evenings and my mornings are devoted to Thodos, my potential job prospects would have been severely cut…and I already have a job prospect at the Harris Theater…I have an interview on Monday.

If hired by the theater I would be selling tickets. It would be similar to what I did at the Southern only on a more regular, weekly basis.

Right now I do not have my own connection to the Internet. I don’t remember if I said it in my last post but I have a very week connection to some unknown wireless source and have been going to the library to check my mail. Tomorrow however an RCN (Chicago’s non-Comcast cable company) technician will hookup my place with working Internet. Happy. I will finally be able to catch up on Weeds and other shows.

Well, I guess that’s about it for now. I have the week of August 24 and Labor Day week off from Thodos so if it works out with whatever job I find, I will try to come back home to MPLS. I miss it so!

Wednesday, August 5, 2009

Chapter one

Friday, July 31, 2009

I’ve never been good at saying good-bye. When I was a little kid I used to cry all the way home after my family reunions; I missed my extended family tremendously and knew it would be another year until I got to see them again. I’ve reacted this way every year since I can remember – and probably before then, too.

As the end of this year’s reunion closes I feel that same, familiar tight feeling in my throat. This year however I do not choke on my emotions because I will miss my cousins, aunts or uncles. I cry because I am about to embark on a new, foreign chapter in my life, far away from the comforts and safety of my parents’ arms.

Yes, I am frightened to leave home, to leave Minneapolis – the only city I’ve ever lived in. Yes, I cried several times during the day as that inevitable good-bye drew closer. Yes, I am tearing up as I type, a mere 5.5 hours after the car carrying my mom, dad and brother drove away from my new apartment. I do not know when I will see them next and the fact that the whole of Wisconsin separates us scares me.

In my mind, my reason for feeling depressed is a little foolish, childish even. I think someone my age would feel most anxious for the new events that are about to unfold, and yet here I am, missing my mommy and wanting “to go home.” But I am home, or at least a quasi-home.

I don’t know how long it will take me to feel “normal” living in Chicago. I keep thinking that maybe I wouldn’t act and think as I do now if I had gone to college away from home. I’ve only ever known Minneapolis and I’ve only ever lived 20 minutes away from my mom’s house. This is what is worrying me most. I am 22 years old and I desperately miss my mom and dad.