Chapter fifteen

June 6, 2010

Life is a series of choices woven together to make a haphazard, in some places worn out quilt. The trick to not feeling regret and/or to not worry that the choices you’ve made are “wrong” is to believe that every choice me make will ultimately leads us to new exciting possibilities, whether pre-determined or not. Not to say that “everything happens for a reason” but I tend to operate under that dogma. Listening to that little voice in your heart, gut or whatever else you adhere by makes making those hard decisions a little bit easier. Not to mention it’s easier to act on those feelings if they’re coming from the inside or from above (if you’re the spiritual type).

I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and have been trying to figure out what really makes me happy – or what WILL make me happy. The decision I’ve finalized on is to move back to Minneapolis. It will at least give me more time to figure out my future – without going into significant debt – while getting the dance training that makes me feel like me again, (hopefully) teaching dance to the wee ones, being with those that make my heart flutter, and diving into the amazing Twin Cities dance community that I took for granted for too many years. (Whoa long sentence!)

This past week I went to New York to audition for arguably my favorite dance company – Bill Young/Colleen Thomas and dancers. To go along with all of the other company auditions I have been to this year: I got cut. What I believe did me in was that “show us yourself” part of the audition. I haven’t been myself when it comes to dance since I started with Thodos. Not to say that they changed me because that’s not what I mean at all. I merely mean I haven’t been able to take dance class and perform in pieces that truly speak to me. Sure, I like to dance pretty…but I need something more to fully get invested in a work. I’m excited to get back to that; to dance with my whole self – body and mind…not just with the body.

I think once I get that back I can then figure out where I want to go next. New York seems to be the logical answer for modern dance desires but I will need to save up for that. You know, get a little cushion in case nothing comes my way for a bit. But that move probably won’t happen for a few years. It still scares me a little too much to pick up and move there without having a job waiting for me. Courage will find me at some point. For now, I need to get my butt into class, network, and do some serious research into dance companies whose work inspires me.

Audition Update

Was cut from the Radio City Music Hall/Madison Square Garden Christmas Show audition: no big deal, not a big surprise.

Did not get the dance instructor job in Skokie: a bummer but not the end of the world.

Was not offered anything from Thodos for the next season: big slap in the face.

Still to come: Rock of Ages audition...after that, who knows.




My time in Chicago may be coming to an end much sooner than I intended and/or anticipated.

Chapter fourteen

May 4, 2010

A year later and I have found myself in the same spot I was in right before graduation: waiting to hear back from Thodos about a company position.

Well…I’m not in the EXACT same spot as I was last May I suppose. I’m a year wiser and have had many new life experiences. Above all else, this past year has made me eternally thankful for all I have been given, be it in the dance realm or in life.

I’ve always been a believer in, “if you work hard things will come to you,” but sometimes working hard is not the only deciding factor. Sometimes it’s being at the right place and the right time; sometimes it’s by the flip of a coin (seriously, it’s happened); sometimes it’s based on if you made a better first impression than someone else; and sometimes it’s just fate. The point is, you never know when good things will happen to come your way and you have to remain humble and thankful. I’ve learned this.

Many things have happened since my last update.

The Thodos 2009-2010 season ended with my best show of the year. I re-auditioned for the company (won’t hear back til May 15 so don’t ask until then, please). I’ve been applying for teaching jobs around the city and its suburbs and have for sure landed one. I have not gotten further than creating my home page on my website…mostly because the photos haven’t been showing up and I’m frustrated about that...and also because I no longer have down time (hence why I have not done an update in months).

I am still working on my photography but I haven’t uploaded any photos in a while. Most of my work has involved shooting the photos for Molly Etsy page. I have been taking some nice summer shots of the city, as well.

On a completely unrelated topic I met a guy. He’s phenomenal. I’m happy. He lives in St. Paul…I live in Chicago…bummer. This, however, is not the forum for such topics.

My upcoming travel plans: I leave for NYC this weekend to audition for the Madison Square Garden Christmas Show and to visit my brother. I will also be making my way home for Memorial Day weekend AND for Rock the Garden. Happy times!

I guess that about does it. I’ll make sure to let y’all know the out come of all of my past and future auditions. Until then!

Chapter thirteen

February 21, 2010


I like to think of myself as an artistic individual…that I lead an artistic life. By this point you all know that I dance for a living or rather am attempting to do so (artist point #1) and that I take pride in being a music snob (artist point #2). What you may not know is that I also like to dabble in the fine art of photography.

I don’t remember when I started taking photos but I do remember when I started thinking of it as an art form. It was my sophomore year of high school when I took my first photography class. It was such a cool class! Learning how to load the film into the camera; reading the light meter; developing and washing the film hoping to God you didn’t accidentally expose it to light; spending countless hours in the darkroom playing with exposure times. Ahh! SO COOL! Point and shoot cameras became a thing of the past, my new love became the single lens reflex. Even now, in the digital age, there will never be anything more intimate than working with a fully manual film camera.

But I digress.

My infatuation with photography was born. I asked for my own SLR for my birthday/Christmas present that year. Santa brought it to me. It was a happy day. However, after my photography class ended and I no longer had to turn prints in I ended up using the camera less and less…it’s the unfortunate side of being a busy teen.

A few years later I enrolled in a digital photography class. It was my senior year of high school and wanted to take one more “for fun” class. DSLRs (digital single lens reflexes) were still pretty new and very expensive and were therefore unavailable to us at school so most of us in the class used our own point and shoot digital cameras. Not only did we further explore the art of photography but we also learned how to use Photoshop. To this very day, I believe that this was one of those most useful things I learned in all of my schooling.

During the class I mainly focused on outdoor photography and grew to have a preference for it – as opposed to portrait or commercial photography. I still prefer landscape photography but now, with the purchase of my very own Canon Rebel XT, I’ve begun to explore other styles.

I’ve now arrived at one of my two points.



During the past two months I’ve begun to try my hand at concert photography, and I really like it. My first few outings were a little rusty due to having a slow lens (you want to have a fast lens in order to keep your subject in focus while also allowing enough light to expose the image). After learning this, I shopped around for a faster lens and am now producing clearer, more interesting photographs.

I still don’t shoot too often – limited funds play a huge part in that – but this weekend I decided to go to a show, have fun and take some pics. And I’m proud to say I took some great ones! The venue lighting had a lot to do with the awesomeness of the photos but I’d also like to think that I’m becoming more skilled at seeing the photograph before I take it. I don’t know.



I also took some photos for my friend Molly’s Etsy page (http://www.etsy.com/shop/petitedancer25) which got me thinking about maybe trying my hand at headshots. Not because I purposefully took headshots for her but some of them could work for that.

Now, to my second point.

I think I want to create a new website for myself. It would be an all-encompassing site featuring me as a dancer, teacher, choreographer, arts administrator, writer, and photographer. It would be a site dedicated to Lauren Baker, the artist.

Chapter Twelve

February 14, 2010

“You are the key to your own success.”

I got this fortune cookie fortune en route to the Quad Cities – where the first leg of the 2010 TDC tour took place. Versions of this saying have no doubt been told to each and every one of us over the years. And if you’re anything like me, you shrug your shoulders and give a disdainful roll of the eyes to whoever had the galls to give you such advice.

However, I must acknowledge the accomplished feeling I’ve been experiencing lately. I put my foot down and put myself first. No more waiting around for others to figure their lives out; no more silently wishing I could work with certain people; no more being afraid to fall on my face as I run after what I want – be it an aspect of my career, a romantic interest, etc. I know I’m pretty darn special so why would I wait and wait and wait or others to recognize that, too? It’s not worth my time. Just keep pushing forward to the next great thing without compromising who you are and what you believe.

I recently went home for a very short visit. The impetus for said trip changed drastically a few weeks ago but it was without a doubt for the best – and in all honesty was probably more fun this way. Won’t dish details of it here for this is not the forum for such secrets…but I will say I had a blast being deviant with an unexpected but nevertheless very good friend.

Each time I go home for a visit I fall further in love with Minneapolis. I like Chicago and am glad I live here but nothing compares to the city you’ve called home for 22 years. It’s filled with people who know my history and want the best for me. It’s filled with a kind of security that I can’t help but feel thankful for: family, friends and hopefully I won’t sound too conceited for this but there’s a bit of career security there for me, too. (For the record, one doesn’t grow staying in a place of comfort so while I feel secure in Minneapolis it’s a good thing that I’m not living there for the time being).

Because MPLS means so much to me, I believe I am ready to get a MPLS/MN tattoo…I just need an artist. I don’t know if I want the outline of the state (it seems a little overdone) or something else but I do know I want it to be something simple. Subtlety is key. If any of you have come across a cool MN/MPLS image or have a good artist, let me know. I’m thinking of getting it on my side near my ribs (I’m aware it’s going to hurt like a b#@ch but I want it to be in a place where I can easily hide it…and where the skin isn’t likely to stretch out). And it shouldn’t be any larger than the palm of my tiny hand. Thoughts? Comments? Concerns?

That’s it for now. Much love to you all on this cheesy Hallmark holiday.

Chapter Eleven

January 7, 2010

It’s odd – yet completely normal – how life goes on without you. I hadn’t really thought about it before until I came home for the holidays this year.

I’ve been living on my own for four going on five months now and hadn’t gone home in three. The last time I graced the streets of the “Minne Apple” school was beginning. Nothing felt too different because I was home and visited campus (I don’t advise doing that for recent grads…it feels REAL awkward). However, this time around I felt…strange. My sense of self was noticeably different as were my attitudes towards, well, everything. The drama of school, dance and people’s lives, while still important to me, didn’t feel as significant as they used to. Is that maturity? It is disillusionment? I don’t have an answer at the moment.

Disillusion is probably the best way to describe where I’m at in life right now. I feel like I’m at a cusp. A crossroad perhaps. I have to go one way or another. I can’t go backward so therefore I can only go forward. Perhaps I’ve lost taste for home in some respects because home isn’t “home” but neither is Chicago. True, I’m becoming increasingly more comfortable here but I feel that it’s going to take much longer to slip and call it “home.” I believe slips of the tongue hold a certain amount of truth. Freud may have had that right…but I won’t be the one to judge.

I watch as life changes for my closest and dearest friends. Grad school. Moving to larger cities. Getting “real” jobs. Marriage. God help us if someone starts having kids! I think my brain might implode if that happens anytime soon. I don’t know why but I feel as though I’m being left behind on those journeys. I shouldn’t…hell I was the first one to move away and do the “dance thing.” It’s just that I don’t feel like I’ve found my place yet…it still feels like I’m grasping at straws. Maybe the gloom of winter is getting to me. I need a sun lamp.

2010, how will you play out?

Chapter ten

December 15, 2009

As the New Year approaches I’m forcing myself to reflect on the past year - as cheesy as that may be. Many aspects of my life and my being have changed since last January. For starters, I graduated from college thus concluding my educational endeavors. That alone is huge! It’s a big deal because it signifies the end of nearly everything I was accustomed to during the past 16 years. I now start a new chapter in my life.

I’ve become more independent since last year. Moving away from the only city you’ve ever really known will do that to a person. With most of my friends several states away, I am forced to go places and do things by myself, which if you recall I never ever did in high school and college. I would rather stay in than go to a show, concert, etc by myself. Now, it’s become no big deal to venture out on my own – exploring a new, unfamiliar city. I also live alone – it wasn’t the original plan but life likes to throw me curve balls every now and than. By living on my own, I have really stepped up began to take pretty good care of myself: I do all of the cleaning, cooking, errand shopping, etc. and I must say, I can be pretty darn domestic now!

I’ve become more selfish in attaining my desires. By this I mean I often think about what it is that makes me happy and what I need to feel fulfilled in life, dance and beyond. Once I’ve determined these things I won’t settle for anything less. I am talented and have a lot to offer so why would I settle for anything but the very best? Yes, compromises have been made and will no doubt continue to be made, but in the grand scheme of things I want what I want and I will stop at nothing to attain those things.

I’ve also become a bit more secretive. It’s not that I have many secrets. Instead it means I no longer feel that all of the intimate details of my life need to be shared with everyone. What I do in my personal life, friend and love life, is my business and I simply don’t feel like I need to share those details with even some of my closest friends and family. Sure, I’ll spill a few things with a certain handful of people but for the most part I’ve learned to not share everything. It’s healthy to distinguish those things, I think.

We shall see what 2010 brings as the year unfolds. I hope to graduate from intern to apprentice with TDC…or find another comparable outlet for my dancing and financial needs if TDC doesn’t pan out the way I hope it will. I also hope to make Chicago my home instead of the place where I temporarily live. But mostly I hope to feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.