January 7, 2010
It’s odd – yet completely normal – how life goes on without you. I hadn’t really thought about it before until I came home for the holidays this year.
I’ve been living on my own for four going on five months now and hadn’t gone home in three. The last time I graced the streets of the “Minne Apple” school was beginning. Nothing felt too different because I was home and visited campus (I don’t advise doing that for recent grads…it feels REAL awkward). However, this time around I felt…strange. My sense of self was noticeably different as were my attitudes towards, well, everything. The drama of school, dance and people’s lives, while still important to me, didn’t feel as significant as they used to. Is that maturity? It is disillusionment? I don’t have an answer at the moment.
Disillusion is probably the best way to describe where I’m at in life right now. I feel like I’m at a cusp. A crossroad perhaps. I have to go one way or another. I can’t go backward so therefore I can only go forward. Perhaps I’ve lost taste for home in some respects because home isn’t “home” but neither is Chicago. True, I’m becoming increasingly more comfortable here but I feel that it’s going to take much longer to slip and call it “home.” I believe slips of the tongue hold a certain amount of truth. Freud may have had that right…but I won’t be the one to judge.
I watch as life changes for my closest and dearest friends. Grad school. Moving to larger cities. Getting “real” jobs. Marriage. God help us if someone starts having kids! I think my brain might implode if that happens anytime soon. I don’t know why but I feel as though I’m being left behind on those journeys. I shouldn’t…hell I was the first one to move away and do the “dance thing.” It’s just that I don’t feel like I’ve found my place yet…it still feels like I’m grasping at straws. Maybe the gloom of winter is getting to me. I need a sun lamp.
2010, how will you play out?
Thursday, January 7, 2010
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Chapter ten
December 15, 2009
As the New Year approaches I’m forcing myself to reflect on the past year - as cheesy as that may be. Many aspects of my life and my being have changed since last January. For starters, I graduated from college thus concluding my educational endeavors. That alone is huge! It’s a big deal because it signifies the end of nearly everything I was accustomed to during the past 16 years. I now start a new chapter in my life.
I’ve become more independent since last year. Moving away from the only city you’ve ever really known will do that to a person. With most of my friends several states away, I am forced to go places and do things by myself, which if you recall I never ever did in high school and college. I would rather stay in than go to a show, concert, etc by myself. Now, it’s become no big deal to venture out on my own – exploring a new, unfamiliar city. I also live alone – it wasn’t the original plan but life likes to throw me curve balls every now and than. By living on my own, I have really stepped up began to take pretty good care of myself: I do all of the cleaning, cooking, errand shopping, etc. and I must say, I can be pretty darn domestic now!
I’ve become more selfish in attaining my desires. By this I mean I often think about what it is that makes me happy and what I need to feel fulfilled in life, dance and beyond. Once I’ve determined these things I won’t settle for anything less. I am talented and have a lot to offer so why would I settle for anything but the very best? Yes, compromises have been made and will no doubt continue to be made, but in the grand scheme of things I want what I want and I will stop at nothing to attain those things.
I’ve also become a bit more secretive. It’s not that I have many secrets. Instead it means I no longer feel that all of the intimate details of my life need to be shared with everyone. What I do in my personal life, friend and love life, is my business and I simply don’t feel like I need to share those details with even some of my closest friends and family. Sure, I’ll spill a few things with a certain handful of people but for the most part I’ve learned to not share everything. It’s healthy to distinguish those things, I think.
We shall see what 2010 brings as the year unfolds. I hope to graduate from intern to apprentice with TDC…or find another comparable outlet for my dancing and financial needs if TDC doesn’t pan out the way I hope it will. I also hope to make Chicago my home instead of the place where I temporarily live. But mostly I hope to feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.
As the New Year approaches I’m forcing myself to reflect on the past year - as cheesy as that may be. Many aspects of my life and my being have changed since last January. For starters, I graduated from college thus concluding my educational endeavors. That alone is huge! It’s a big deal because it signifies the end of nearly everything I was accustomed to during the past 16 years. I now start a new chapter in my life.
I’ve become more independent since last year. Moving away from the only city you’ve ever really known will do that to a person. With most of my friends several states away, I am forced to go places and do things by myself, which if you recall I never ever did in high school and college. I would rather stay in than go to a show, concert, etc by myself. Now, it’s become no big deal to venture out on my own – exploring a new, unfamiliar city. I also live alone – it wasn’t the original plan but life likes to throw me curve balls every now and than. By living on my own, I have really stepped up began to take pretty good care of myself: I do all of the cleaning, cooking, errand shopping, etc. and I must say, I can be pretty darn domestic now!
I’ve become more selfish in attaining my desires. By this I mean I often think about what it is that makes me happy and what I need to feel fulfilled in life, dance and beyond. Once I’ve determined these things I won’t settle for anything less. I am talented and have a lot to offer so why would I settle for anything but the very best? Yes, compromises have been made and will no doubt continue to be made, but in the grand scheme of things I want what I want and I will stop at nothing to attain those things.
I’ve also become a bit more secretive. It’s not that I have many secrets. Instead it means I no longer feel that all of the intimate details of my life need to be shared with everyone. What I do in my personal life, friend and love life, is my business and I simply don’t feel like I need to share those details with even some of my closest friends and family. Sure, I’ll spill a few things with a certain handful of people but for the most part I’ve learned to not share everything. It’s healthy to distinguish those things, I think.
We shall see what 2010 brings as the year unfolds. I hope to graduate from intern to apprentice with TDC…or find another comparable outlet for my dancing and financial needs if TDC doesn’t pan out the way I hope it will. I also hope to make Chicago my home instead of the place where I temporarily live. But mostly I hope to feel happy, satisfied and fulfilled in all aspects of my life.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Chapter nine
November 15, 2009
How can so much change happen in two weeks? I really don’t have an answer for that but I’m eternally grateful for all of the new and exciting changes in my life.
I have successfully completed my first Chicago/post-college performance (with Thodos, duh). The show went very well and consequently I am even more excited to perform with “Team Thodos” on the 28 at the Harris Theater. That stage is {insert expletive} huge! It may be larger than the Northrop’s stage…eek! For those of you who have danced with me, you know this girl loves to travel and move big! Needless to say I’m very, very excited to dance across that stage.
These next two weeks mark the final weeks of the Fall/Winter portion of my internship. While I love dancing everyday, I’m in serious need of a break. My body aches all the time and my feet are beginning to rebel. I also am feeling the need to take a Toni Pierce-Sands class (unfortunately, the U’s semester will be over by the time I come home). Boo-erns!
I’m extremely excited to spend time vegging at home, too. I can’t wait to see my SLP and U of M friends again as well as a certain special person. Some people would rather spend their month-long break somewhere warm, but I just want to be home. Although, if home was somewhere warm I think I would prefer going there than visiting the tundra of MN haha.
I guess that’s it for now. I wish I had photos from the dance show to post but my camera decided to hate me and run out of batteries when I got to the theater. I promise to charge the battery before the Harris show.
How can so much change happen in two weeks? I really don’t have an answer for that but I’m eternally grateful for all of the new and exciting changes in my life.
I have successfully completed my first Chicago/post-college performance (with Thodos, duh). The show went very well and consequently I am even more excited to perform with “Team Thodos” on the 28 at the Harris Theater. That stage is {insert expletive} huge! It may be larger than the Northrop’s stage…eek! For those of you who have danced with me, you know this girl loves to travel and move big! Needless to say I’m very, very excited to dance across that stage.
These next two weeks mark the final weeks of the Fall/Winter portion of my internship. While I love dancing everyday, I’m in serious need of a break. My body aches all the time and my feet are beginning to rebel. I also am feeling the need to take a Toni Pierce-Sands class (unfortunately, the U’s semester will be over by the time I come home). Boo-erns!
I’m extremely excited to spend time vegging at home, too. I can’t wait to see my SLP and U of M friends again as well as a certain special person. Some people would rather spend their month-long break somewhere warm, but I just want to be home. Although, if home was somewhere warm I think I would prefer going there than visiting the tundra of MN haha.
I guess that’s it for now. I wish I had photos from the dance show to post but my camera decided to hate me and run out of batteries when I got to the theater. I promise to charge the battery before the Harris show.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Chapter eight
November 1, 2009
Today marks the beginning of the fourth month of my time in Chicago. It’s very strange how times flies. So much has changed since August. Well, maybe not *so* much has changed, but it feels much different now. I have friends who I feel very close to; I’m pretty comfortable dancing with the company now (even though there are times that I still question myself and my skills); I’m becoming more and more familiar with the neighborhoods and general feel of Chicago, yet I’m consistently surprised by how BIG the city is.
It’s pretty cool to get to know a whole new city…although I wish I were able to take advantage of the city’s music/nightlife scene more…I blame it on the fact that it takes forever to get anywhere/get back and on the fact that I refuse to walk around late at night in my neighborhood by myself.
I showed my apartment to some people last week but I am not sure if they still want to sublet it. I haven’t heard from them in half a week so…it makes me think that they’re looking elsewhere for lodging. Boo-erns I say! I had looked at some cute studios and I was really hoping to move into one of them soon. What I want most is to move before it snows here, which could be at any time now. Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t snowed yet with all of the white fluffy stuff MN has been receiving.
You know how sometimes you can feel a big storm coming on? I feel that way right now, only it’s a storm of stress and emotions. Thodos’ first show is in two weeks (Centre East on the 13th and the Harris Theater on the 28th) and this week is our last week of rehearsals before tech. The long nights, the high levels of anxiety and stress…it’s almost tangible and it’s only Sunday. I’m hoping no one lets their emotions get the best of them; I’m hoping everyone remains collected, because it could get real nasty if we’re all frustrated with one another. Not that I think this will actually happen but there is always a possibility of it when we’re spending all day and all night together trying to perfect every little detail. Ah the life of a performer – always striving for perfection when perfection is in fact a myth.
My parents just booked my tickets home for December. I will be coming home on the 16th and will leave the morning of the 28th. If you read between the lines you’ll hear me saying, “Hey MPLS kids, let’s hang out while I’m home because I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit next!”
I guess that’s it for now. I apologize that I haven’t been writing as often as I originally promised. Some how time gets away from me and I become unmotivated to post entries. I will try to be better about this. Until then, keep warm!
Today marks the beginning of the fourth month of my time in Chicago. It’s very strange how times flies. So much has changed since August. Well, maybe not *so* much has changed, but it feels much different now. I have friends who I feel very close to; I’m pretty comfortable dancing with the company now (even though there are times that I still question myself and my skills); I’m becoming more and more familiar with the neighborhoods and general feel of Chicago, yet I’m consistently surprised by how BIG the city is.
It’s pretty cool to get to know a whole new city…although I wish I were able to take advantage of the city’s music/nightlife scene more…I blame it on the fact that it takes forever to get anywhere/get back and on the fact that I refuse to walk around late at night in my neighborhood by myself.
I showed my apartment to some people last week but I am not sure if they still want to sublet it. I haven’t heard from them in half a week so…it makes me think that they’re looking elsewhere for lodging. Boo-erns I say! I had looked at some cute studios and I was really hoping to move into one of them soon. What I want most is to move before it snows here, which could be at any time now. Frankly, I’m surprised it hasn’t snowed yet with all of the white fluffy stuff MN has been receiving.
You know how sometimes you can feel a big storm coming on? I feel that way right now, only it’s a storm of stress and emotions. Thodos’ first show is in two weeks (Centre East on the 13th and the Harris Theater on the 28th) and this week is our last week of rehearsals before tech. The long nights, the high levels of anxiety and stress…it’s almost tangible and it’s only Sunday. I’m hoping no one lets their emotions get the best of them; I’m hoping everyone remains collected, because it could get real nasty if we’re all frustrated with one another. Not that I think this will actually happen but there is always a possibility of it when we’re spending all day and all night together trying to perfect every little detail. Ah the life of a performer – always striving for perfection when perfection is in fact a myth.
My parents just booked my tickets home for December. I will be coming home on the 16th and will leave the morning of the 28th. If you read between the lines you’ll hear me saying, “Hey MPLS kids, let’s hang out while I’m home because I don’t know when I’ll be able to visit next!”
I guess that’s it for now. I apologize that I haven’t been writing as often as I originally promised. Some how time gets away from me and I become unmotivated to post entries. I will try to be better about this. Until then, keep warm!
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Chapter seven
October 13, 2009
It’s been far too long since I wrote last. I kept meaning to but life, it seemed, got in the way of things – or rather doing absolutely nothing got in the way.
Life in Chicago is going really well. I feel more comfortable in my surroundings, I know the general layout of the city (which is a feat because it’s HUGE!), and I’m meeting new people and trying new things. Dance of course takes up most of my time and is a never-ending source of frustration and joy. Even though I’ve had a similarly busy dance schedule while in school as I have now, I don’t think I’ve experienced this kind of intense self-inflicted pressure. Making sure you’re “getting better” with each class, with each rehearsal. Pushing yourself because you know you can and will be mad if you don’t give it 110%. It’s physically and emotionally draining at times, to say the least.
Rehearsals are going well for the most part. I feel so privileged to be dancing in two pieces and covering for another. As an intern you rarely get to perform. On November 13 TDC will perform in Skokie and the 28 we will have our debut at the Harris Theater. I honestly can’t believe I’m going to be experiencing that. It’s such an honor.
Aside from dance, not too much is going on in my life. The job search is still in full swing, although I will admit that I give up every now and then. But I am hopeful that something will work out for me. It has to, right?
The most exciting thing to happen to me thus far is buying a DSLR. For those of you who know me well, you will know how excited this makes me. I’ve wanted one since 12th grade. Someone was selling a Canon Rebel XT on the Facebook Marketplace for a price I really could not pass up. I’ve taken a few shots with it and they turned out nicely. It feels so good to be in control of a camera again (as opposed to using an fully automatic point-and-shoot)! I’m looking forward to playing with it more. I’ve posted a few of the photos I’ve taken on my Facebook page.
What else? What else?
I’m 80% certain I will be moving to a new apartment in November. To make a long story short, Erinn moved back to Minneapolis and we’re putting our apartment back on the market. I’m hoping to find a cute, reasonably priced studio further south and closer to A) the dance studio and B) my friends. It sucks living out in the boonies.
I guess that’s about it. Hope everything at home is going well (and that the snow hasn’t inconvenienced anyone too much yet). It’s getting pretty chilly here, too, but no snow as of yet.
It’s been far too long since I wrote last. I kept meaning to but life, it seemed, got in the way of things – or rather doing absolutely nothing got in the way.
Life in Chicago is going really well. I feel more comfortable in my surroundings, I know the general layout of the city (which is a feat because it’s HUGE!), and I’m meeting new people and trying new things. Dance of course takes up most of my time and is a never-ending source of frustration and joy. Even though I’ve had a similarly busy dance schedule while in school as I have now, I don’t think I’ve experienced this kind of intense self-inflicted pressure. Making sure you’re “getting better” with each class, with each rehearsal. Pushing yourself because you know you can and will be mad if you don’t give it 110%. It’s physically and emotionally draining at times, to say the least.
Rehearsals are going well for the most part. I feel so privileged to be dancing in two pieces and covering for another. As an intern you rarely get to perform. On November 13 TDC will perform in Skokie and the 28 we will have our debut at the Harris Theater. I honestly can’t believe I’m going to be experiencing that. It’s such an honor.
Aside from dance, not too much is going on in my life. The job search is still in full swing, although I will admit that I give up every now and then. But I am hopeful that something will work out for me. It has to, right?
The most exciting thing to happen to me thus far is buying a DSLR. For those of you who know me well, you will know how excited this makes me. I’ve wanted one since 12th grade. Someone was selling a Canon Rebel XT on the Facebook Marketplace for a price I really could not pass up. I’ve taken a few shots with it and they turned out nicely. It feels so good to be in control of a camera again (as opposed to using an fully automatic point-and-shoot)! I’m looking forward to playing with it more. I’ve posted a few of the photos I’ve taken on my Facebook page.
What else? What else?
I’m 80% certain I will be moving to a new apartment in November. To make a long story short, Erinn moved back to Minneapolis and we’re putting our apartment back on the market. I’m hoping to find a cute, reasonably priced studio further south and closer to A) the dance studio and B) my friends. It sucks living out in the boonies.
I guess that’s about it. Hope everything at home is going well (and that the snow hasn’t inconvenienced anyone too much yet). It’s getting pretty chilly here, too, but no snow as of yet.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
Chapter six
September 17, 2009
Sometimes we have bad days and want to eat our feelings. I had one of these days today and my poison of choice: Oreo McFlurry. Living close to a McDonalds is hazardous to my diet when I find myself in a foul mood.
Today was really terrible and I felt it the moment I stepped into the studio…I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’ve been off all week in class, which always is a little upsetting but not the end of the world. Today, however, I had rehearsal for the first time after learning a new dance (in three days) and being off contract/dance for a week. Let’s just say I think my dance partner was a little frustrated with me.
Sometimes I feel that I’ve forgotten how to partner. But then I tell myself that this kind of partnering is very technical which is very new to me. I’ve only ever thrown myself at my partner ala BLM and S&S where technique is less focused on than figuring out how to complete the stunt without killing yourself or your partner. I miss that. It also doesn’t help that I’m partnering with senior company members who are at least 6’ tall. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t known them for years – as I have known my U of M partners – so thus I feel as if I can’t negotiate the partnership. I hope some of this makes sense.
Having these feelings makes me question why I’ve been cast in two pieces and chosen to cover another piece for Thodos’ Fall Concert in November. I really don’t understand. I do not want to let the company down but I really don’t have the confidence in my ability right now.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choice in pursuing a performing career here. Yes I know I’m talented and there are many opportunities in Chicago, but I’m not convinced that the style I’ve been exposed to here is what I want to do. I’m not sure if fulfilling enough for me. Granted, I haven’t seen much of the other companies in Chicago yet. I just hope to find my place because I will be in Chicago for a while...because, frankly, there aren’t any performing jobs for me in MPLS…yet?
It’s been a while since my last post. I figured no one wanted an update last week because I was in MPLS. So I apologize for the doom and gloom vibe of this post. TGIF! Hopefully Monday will be the start of a more successful week both physically and mentally for me.
Sometimes we have bad days and want to eat our feelings. I had one of these days today and my poison of choice: Oreo McFlurry. Living close to a McDonalds is hazardous to my diet when I find myself in a foul mood.
Today was really terrible and I felt it the moment I stepped into the studio…I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’ve been off all week in class, which always is a little upsetting but not the end of the world. Today, however, I had rehearsal for the first time after learning a new dance (in three days) and being off contract/dance for a week. Let’s just say I think my dance partner was a little frustrated with me.
Sometimes I feel that I’ve forgotten how to partner. But then I tell myself that this kind of partnering is very technical which is very new to me. I’ve only ever thrown myself at my partner ala BLM and S&S where technique is less focused on than figuring out how to complete the stunt without killing yourself or your partner. I miss that. It also doesn’t help that I’m partnering with senior company members who are at least 6’ tall. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t known them for years – as I have known my U of M partners – so thus I feel as if I can’t negotiate the partnership. I hope some of this makes sense.
Having these feelings makes me question why I’ve been cast in two pieces and chosen to cover another piece for Thodos’ Fall Concert in November. I really don’t understand. I do not want to let the company down but I really don’t have the confidence in my ability right now.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choice in pursuing a performing career here. Yes I know I’m talented and there are many opportunities in Chicago, but I’m not convinced that the style I’ve been exposed to here is what I want to do. I’m not sure if fulfilling enough for me. Granted, I haven’t seen much of the other companies in Chicago yet. I just hope to find my place because I will be in Chicago for a while...because, frankly, there aren’t any performing jobs for me in MPLS…yet?
It’s been a while since my last post. I figured no one wanted an update last week because I was in MPLS. So I apologize for the doom and gloom vibe of this post. TGIF! Hopefully Monday will be the start of a more successful week both physically and mentally for me.
Tuesday, September 1, 2009
This just in
Tra la la! I was just cast in a piece for Thodos today. La la la this means I will be performing with them in November! Yay!
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