September 17, 2009
Sometimes we have bad days and want to eat our feelings. I had one of these days today and my poison of choice: Oreo McFlurry. Living close to a McDonalds is hazardous to my diet when I find myself in a foul mood.
Today was really terrible and I felt it the moment I stepped into the studio…I knew it was going to be a terrible, horrible, no good, very bad day. I’ve been off all week in class, which always is a little upsetting but not the end of the world. Today, however, I had rehearsal for the first time after learning a new dance (in three days) and being off contract/dance for a week. Let’s just say I think my dance partner was a little frustrated with me.
Sometimes I feel that I’ve forgotten how to partner. But then I tell myself that this kind of partnering is very technical which is very new to me. I’ve only ever thrown myself at my partner ala BLM and S&S where technique is less focused on than figuring out how to complete the stunt without killing yourself or your partner. I miss that. It also doesn’t help that I’m partnering with senior company members who are at least 6’ tall. It also doesn’t help that I haven’t known them for years – as I have known my U of M partners – so thus I feel as if I can’t negotiate the partnership. I hope some of this makes sense.
Having these feelings makes me question why I’ve been cast in two pieces and chosen to cover another piece for Thodos’ Fall Concert in November. I really don’t understand. I do not want to let the company down but I really don’t have the confidence in my ability right now.
Honestly, sometimes I wonder if I’ve made the right choice in pursuing a performing career here. Yes I know I’m talented and there are many opportunities in Chicago, but I’m not convinced that the style I’ve been exposed to here is what I want to do. I’m not sure if fulfilling enough for me. Granted, I haven’t seen much of the other companies in Chicago yet. I just hope to find my place because I will be in Chicago for a while...because, frankly, there aren’t any performing jobs for me in MPLS…yet?
It’s been a while since my last post. I figured no one wanted an update last week because I was in MPLS. So I apologize for the doom and gloom vibe of this post. TGIF! Hopefully Monday will be the start of a more successful week both physically and mentally for me.