Chapter sixteen

July 15, 2010

I’ve found my motivation for performing in Josh’s dance this weekend. His piece is about the emotional struggle we find ourselves in when dealing with two opposing forces – whether it’s here vs there, heart vs mind, left vs right, whatever; hence the title, “_____ verses _____.”

During these past three months I’ve just been going through the motions with respect to this particular New Dances piece. But now, as my move back to Minneapolis draws ever nearer, I’m finding that I’m struggling with my decision to move back home.

Yes, I know I will be happy once I get there – I will be teaching and sharing my passion for dance with young movers, I will be able to spend time with my dear college friends, and – this is what I’m most excited for – I will finally be able to experience being in a non-long distance relationship with Gesta, an incredible guy with whom I have completely fallen in love.

It is my fear however, that I will end up not dancing or performing, which was the main reason for my move. My reason stems from 1) wanting to work with people who want to do something with their art as well as 2) my desire to feel like I belong/am appreciated in the dance community. My fear is that I will not end up taking dance classes and therefore not be seen by choreographers and therefore not get a chance to perform. I have not given up my dream of dancing for a company but I’m very worried that I might be taking a step back from achieving that goal.

There are many incredible talents whom I wish to work with when I get back home and I’ve done what I can to make contact with them. But what if nothing comes of my efforts? Will I have made this move just to take a step backward? With all of the auditions popping up in Chicago for companies I could realistically get into, that fear is weighing heavily on my mind and heart.

But I guess that’s the choice we make. As my friend Kate said, “You can’t make decisions on ‘what ifs.’” You have to follow your heart. And mine still is being pulled more heavily towards Minneapolis…still…I’m a little bit worried. I also fear that I will not be taken seriously as a performer back home. I do not want to be seen as a student anymore; I want to be seen as a professional. I have done great things this year and I deserve to be seen as the talented, respected professional dancer that I am…but back home…well, I guess only time and experience will tell.

Readers please don’t get me wrong. I am very excited to come back to Minneapolis and its AMAZING arts community. I simply have my (justified) reservations.