June 6, 2010
Life is a series of choices woven together to make a haphazard, in some places worn out quilt. The trick to not feeling regret and/or to not worry that the choices you’ve made are “wrong” is to believe that every choice me make will ultimately leads us to new exciting possibilities, whether pre-determined or not. Not to say that “everything happens for a reason” but I tend to operate under that dogma. Listening to that little voice in your heart, gut or whatever else you adhere by makes making those hard decisions a little bit easier. Not to mention it’s easier to act on those feelings if they’re coming from the inside or from above (if you’re the spiritual type).
I’ve been doing a lot of reflection and have been trying to figure out what really makes me happy – or what WILL make me happy. The decision I’ve finalized on is to move back to Minneapolis. It will at least give me more time to figure out my future – without going into significant debt – while getting the dance training that makes me feel like me again, (hopefully) teaching dance to the wee ones, being with those that make my heart flutter, and diving into the amazing Twin Cities dance community that I took for granted for too many years. (Whoa long sentence!)
This past week I went to New York to audition for arguably my favorite dance company – Bill Young/Colleen Thomas and dancers. To go along with all of the other company auditions I have been to this year: I got cut. What I believe did me in was that “show us yourself” part of the audition. I haven’t been myself when it comes to dance since I started with Thodos. Not to say that they changed me because that’s not what I mean at all. I merely mean I haven’t been able to take dance class and perform in pieces that truly speak to me. Sure, I like to dance pretty…but I need something more to fully get invested in a work. I’m excited to get back to that; to dance with my whole self – body and mind…not just with the body.
I think once I get that back I can then figure out where I want to go next. New York seems to be the logical answer for modern dance desires but I will need to save up for that. You know, get a little cushion in case nothing comes my way for a bit. But that move probably won’t happen for a few years. It still scares me a little too much to pick up and move there without having a job waiting for me. Courage will find me at some point. For now, I need to get my butt into class, network, and do some serious research into dance companies whose work inspires me.